A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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