i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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