We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
