You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
