hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
