i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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