You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
