That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
