I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize