two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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