I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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