saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
