So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
