was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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