just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
