Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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