Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
