I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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