The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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