my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am mentally ready for anal.
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