so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
