I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
