I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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