My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
