I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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