FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
