Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
