Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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