Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
