my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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