I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
