just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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