i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
