Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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