You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
