I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
