got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
