Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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