woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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