Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
