My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
