dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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