was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
