Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
from now on my penis is your penis
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
