pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the condom got lost in my hair
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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