I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
