I'm jealous of your bromance
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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