oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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