cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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