if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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