I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
