you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
