I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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