and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I could fuck to npr.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
