Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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