I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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