i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
