apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
