don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
