I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
