i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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